Hauntingly wholesome: The restaurant that warps time

Celebrating one year as a Lanes resident, The Witchez restaurant has retained its native spooky-yet-cosy vibes and hearty family-style cooking in its new prime real estate location.

Arriving at the dimly lit entrance, you’re invited to press a doorbell to conjure a witch to welcome you inside. While our hearts sank a little that our welcoming witch was not in fact dressed up as such, this does allow the restaurant to carefully play with the haunted theme without tipping over into gimmick territory.

photos on walls and lights at witchez restaurant brighton

Passing through their gothic staging area and up into the candlelit restaurant, we’re instantly hit by the dark-yet-warming aesthetic. Taking inspiration from Dracula’s castle, each window is boarded and draped with heavy red curtains, shutting out the bustle of central Brighton and stopping time for diners.

Every inch of the home-style dining room is covered in owners Ewelina Kus and Zaneta Vaughan-Spruce’s family memories of Halloween parties and après-ski holidays, restored vintage portraits and haunted house imagery of screaming ghosts that follow your every step. Even the tops of the walls haven’t been forgotten, with screenings of early twentieth century silent films throughout the evening.

Hearty food is on the menu at Witchez

witchez brighton

The respective Polish and German roots of owners and close friends Ewelina and Zaneta dominate the menu. As does their love of eating their way across the Alpine regions of Europe – Ewelina is not a fan of heat or tropical climates. (Side note: the styling of the restaurant’s name as ‘WitchEZ’ cleverly echoes the duo’s first names.)

Head chef’s Zaneta’s self-taught family-cooking style shines here and that’s before you see the sheer size of the portions on offer. They don’t do things by halves at The Witchez. They want to provide a hearty meal, manager Lilly explained, one that mimics the portion sizing you’d find back at home. So, you have been warned: wear stretchy trousers.

decor at Witchez restaurant Brighton

Their formula is working magic, with a large number of regular diners visiting The Witchez to indulge in the food from their home countries. Lilly tells us how the regulars influence their menu changes, or the lack of them. The Witchez’ aim isn’t to provide an ever-changing seasonal offering, but rather to provide comfort and consistency to their customers.

Drinks-wise, a book of potions provides copious amounts of mythically themed cocktails and mocktails. And if that isn’t enough, an attentive ‘witch’ will bring you some tarot cards so you can leave your cocktail choice in the hands of fate. Our destiny came in the form of a Midsummor Spritz, a perfect concoction of elderflower, cucumber, citrus and Prosecco, offering a light accompaniment to a hearty meal ahead.

witchez restaurant

When we found out that our Witchez server eats ‘Little Hooves’ on a daily basis, it was quickly established that a table portion of this native Polish dish was essential. The potato dumpling dish was smothered in warming Polish beef stew and enough pickled gherkins to cause a shortage for surrounding burger chains. We know what you’re thinking, potato dumplings and beef stew when it’s not even cold outside? Trust us, the low-lit autumnal ambience of the Witchez really messes with your senses.

After hearing our table neighbours emit some rather publicly inappropriate moans when eating the pierogi, it would have been criminal not to try them. The two dumpling fillings on offer were sauerkraut and mushroom, and mashed potato and cheddar cheese. Panic not, fellow meat-eaters: these were generously sprinkled with Polish sausage.

pierogi at witchez brighton

Moving on to Bavaria, we enjoyed an unfeasibly large shallow-fried chicken schnitzel. As well as buttery dill mashed potato and spiced mustard, there was a bowl of fresh tomato salad, which provided a much-needed respite from the three different forms of potato we were enjoying.

witchez brighton

We were again presented with the tarot cards to decide our dessert destiny and, once the crumble card was turned over, we knew fate was on our side. In keeping with the family-style-portion promise, a soup bowl of berry crumble was placed in front of us with a jugful of warm custard. With chunky pieces of oaty biscuit acting as the crumble topping, it was a playful take on a familiar dessert. However, we could argue that everything The Witchez does has a playful take to it.

tarot dessert cards at witchez restaurant brighton

From design to dining

Ewelina and Zaneta started The Witchez in 2007 as a graphic and website design company. Their witchy theme was born from an off-the-cuff comment from a friend who shared their love of Halloween celebrations, and oh boy, have they run with it.

Having a joint dream to open a restaurant which served traditional food from their home countries, they married both of their passions and used the restaurant to showcase their photography and graphic design creations, too.

pictures on walls and other decor at witchez restaurant brighton

Originally located in Kemptown, their little dining room of 14 tables couldn’t grow with their success, resulting in their relocation to the Lanes in 2023. Ewelina and Zaneta refurbished the old Choccywoccydoodah site themselves and put their creative stamp on the building. Most notably, this included installing speakers in the bathroom so you’re met with tortured screams when visiting the loo. Again, you have been warned.

The Witchez mission statement is simple: give people a different kind of dining experience and a good time. We can hand on heart confirm they succeed on both fronts. But we must stress: even if the spooky theatrics were stripped away, we’d still be back for the family-style cooking alone. That being said, it is the perfect place for a Halloween dinner – our booking is already confirmed.

3 Meeting House Lane, Brighton, BN1 1HB
thewitchez.co.uk

By Lucy May